Finally Moving Forward

Since the time I gave up my ministry in Maria Reyna ng mga Apostoles Parish, a lot of things related to my former protégés had been following me. Certainly it is because we have journeyed together on our teenage years and somehow we are connected as brothers. Since I was their leader, most of my members were younger than me. And some, even if I was only few months older than them, were fond to call me kuya. I loved being a big brother to them perhaps because of my longing for my little brother who passed away when I was in grade school.

When I decided to leave for the common good, I admit having a hard time to keep myself out of the MRA track. These dudes kept their connections with me as if everything were normal. We still hanged out a lot and talk a lot of church stuff, only that few annoyances to the new church administration were added. I tried to keep myself under the grace of prudence though I admit, just because being the one downcast, I slipped a lot of times. During those days, I was in the pit of hatred so I sometimes ended up expressing bitter words, subconsciously worsening the devastated emotions of my younger brothers for losing their only way of being at the church.

I tried to establish a group for the former altar servers of MRA. It went fine in the first few months but in less than a year, I had to tell myself that it was not working. The main activity that kept us intact was serving at the altar. We can act as a charismatic prayer group or a contemplative circle of friends visiting the adoration chapel after jogging, but deep inside we knew, we miss the service. And even now, on the third year since the advent of the big change occurred, I know in my heart how we still love to be the respected liturgical team of servers of the parish.

We were lost. Some of us still are. In that few months of parting ways, many things transpired. Without me noticing, the once gradeschoolers are now in college while some are out of school. Some former protégés have graduated and are enjoying the beginning of their career while some became young fathers. Some are yuppies now while some are unemployed and even worse, look for a way to have milk for their babies.

During the time of confusion, I kept asking myself why such things had to happen which took me the chance to at least rectify what could have been wrong with my adolescent members’ minds. I even blamed myself for some unknown reasons. Anyone from the group could attest how I could get myself involved with the personal lives of these people and sometimes intrude even the most private details of their family predicaments during my altar boy headship. My intentions as a leader then were so unpredictable leading to my unnecessary moves and even putting myself into unexpected troubles sometimes. That was how I use to put my heart in every situation concerning them. So it was really hard for me knowing that I was not there for these guys when I should be helping them or at least hearing their stories. My morale had been so low for the last two years. When I left MRA, it felt as if I left my sense of purpose. It was the community where I planted my roots, where I grew and where I put all my teenage time and energy. It felt bad that I forgot the good sides of my experiences.

I think the bad energy started to wear out last week. Yeah. After a very long time of convincing myself that my seven years of leading the group didn’t go in vain even after all the details of the former group were erased from the name and the members up to the least significant detail of the logo, I finally told myself, it’s ok. Good Lord, that is the reason I can now blog about it. Even after the entire busy schedule with different organizations and communities, it had been haunting me. Even after dramatically producing more evident ministry outcomes than before, it had been haunting me. Even after the physical and moral changes, it had been haunting me. Yeah. Because the mere reason of every transformation I tried to do was still that gradual acceptance of my fate out of my beloved parish. It was the hardest habit to break. It was even harder than the feeling of first break up.

And how it changed last week? I had these two conversations with two former protégés. One is now a cadet in the Philippine Military Academy, whom I consider the closest friend that I have, and the second one is a seminarian, graduating a Philosophy degree in Ateneo De Manila. It takes an overnight with each of these guys to remind me how I have been blessed to be a part of their lives. They started as altar servers and now they are being trained in their chosen fields to help the society. Now, do I have to doubt God’s way of using people?

My lame days started to become perky again. I began waking up early to bathe my dog and go to the office ahead of time. I now go home early to do my personal stuff. I updated my wall calendar just as I used to do back then. I jogged and realigned my schedule once again. Just when I saw myself not doing any good, God sent two messengers to tell me how glad He was for the worthwhile sacrifices I did during my MRAP years. God has a perfect timing. Just two weeks ago, I was weeping in the Adoration Chapel asking for the grace of clarity which had been lost since 2008. When I asked Him why He put me in such confusion of not knowing what my life’s purpose now is, he made me remember how great His plans are for plotting everything that happened in the past, as if reassuring me that more surprises are on their way.

And last week was an unexpected gift. Yes there are still questions but He gave me endorphins to trigger positivity and continue searching for that very thing I have to discover in life. I may still experience low moments ahead in this endeavor. But sure enough, I know I can be more hopeful now, knowing that God has a lot more in store for me.